Fraudulent Triathlete

All the days leading up to June 7, 2009 did not phase me one bit. I felt so calm not one ounce of nervous energy, not one pinch of anticipation, just empty. I didn't lose any weight, I made only one sacrifice and I don't see that it was necessary at all but I didnt drink 2 weeks leading into it. Coco says that I am a perfectionist and by not meeting the goals I set for myself I feel an overwhelming sence of sadness, perhaps it is true but in all honesty I was not prepared for the adventure I set out on. I finished, yeah I finished but not the way i wanted. I felt no sense of accomplishment, no pride, no excitement; again there was only an emotional void. 

As I crossed the first mat to the water I was thinking... "This is it. Here is where it begins". I thought of Jenn's key chain that said "The woman that starts the race is not the same woman that finishes the race". I was intrigued to see how this would change me. It mentally broke me down. I started to swim and everyone in my group passed me. I was the biggest girl in my group and I was alone from all other Tri-Divas. I wanted to turn around but I was too far out and my pride would not allow it. I had two very important people in my life tell me they didn't expect me to finish and I could not allow this to be my story. So, I pushed and pushed and pushed for what seemed an eternity of 48 minutes. The red wave passed me, the blue wave passed me, the green wave passed me, the purple wave passed me, the yellow wave passed me and 1 lone lady in a silver cap passed me. I saw the shore and have never been so relieved to touch the ground in my life. I got out, I smiled because it was expected and I headed to the bike because I knew I am a cyclist and I can make up any lost time that I needed on my beloved bike...

As I headed out, I was discouraged but began to cycle. Out of the park head right down the hill and then to parking area and there is a small hill and I knew then I was going to be NO GOOD. I couldnt make it up that hill. My legs were gone. My stamina capoot. I was empty. This where Drea the Diva of Optimism and never say dies gave up... If I was a stronger woman I would have cried, had some sort of emotional response that could have driven to the end but I only had resignation of failure. I killed my self to get up those little bitty hill and walked every single massive one. My one event I knew I was good at proved to be my WORST one. I now don't even know who I am. I was alone and ashamed that I was too fat and too out of shape to represent the TRI-DIVA name in the 25-29 category with honor and fight. As I walked the last hill I thought of my girls, especially Jenni, Coco and La-La and the disappointment I was for them. I thought about how all the times I cycled and ran on the treadmill and then went to eat pizza or worse cost my sour and badly beaten ego. I can only assume that my sadness was etched all on my face because volunteer after volunteer took a serious interest in pushing me on. As I entered the transition area I came fast to face with Erma and Loni by now my disappointment and shamefulness has transfered to anger and self-hatred. I DID NOT WANT TO GO ON. 

I took my time, put my bike up, took a potty, bitched and complained about how I am a failure and I hate it and I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVA want to do this shit again. After 15 minutes I headed out to the walk, legs wobbly, and I see Lesli and Lynn coming in from the bike silently praying they were too far behind me to see my disasterous attempt at bike riding. I walked my 5k. Half way through I heard them call out Coco and La-La's name as they crossed the finish. I received a boost as I got to the end and the beautiful ladies with cow bells and boas were high fiving and screaming in support, I put on my best show of excitement and crossed the line. Unfortunately, I was mentally broken. I do it and I know its going to be bad to say this, please understand that I mean no disrespect , but I don't think there is no one who can't. If all you have to do is float and walk 15 miles its not that hard. I got a medal because I reached a line in a "reasonable" amount of time but I am NO triathlete. I, walked my bike more than I rode it, I walked the 5k out of pure exhaustion. I am 27 (*no comment*) and I finished last in my class because I refused to go home and tell everyone they were right and I really couldn't do it. The truth is... I didn't do it. 

I look at my medal and take no joy in it. I enjoyed my weekend. I was with 12 of the most awesome women GOD every created and I am beyond blessed to call them my friends, my sisters, my heros but I don't deserve to share the title Triathlete with any of them. It will hard for anyone to understand what it this did for me mentally. Physically, I am fine. Theoretically, I did it. Realistically, I crossed the line, I finished. Mentally, I am a fraud. 

I have promised myself that this is not the end for me, only my beginning. I have told myself that I will continue my planned events and work harder to lift myself into what I feel a Tri-Diva is but as for today and  Sunday that was not it. I crossed the line 3:24:05 after starting my FIRST triathlon, but I have not finished. I am still a work in progress....

View From The Bottom

Well, I don't really know what to say for myself. Here I am 67 days removed from the Tri and I can't button my pants, walk from my car to inside Walmart with out giving out breath, stop stuffing my face long enough to THINK about a gym. The most water I have seen was coming out of my shower head. I am starting to believe I am a lost cause. I need to get FOCUSED, more than focused... TUNNEL VISIONED. 

It is way more easier said than done. Look at my previous blogs I have been "getting focused" since the start of my 'Better ME for a Better Future'. I am planning the rest of my life with this. I feel that this is my fork in the road. One arrow pointing to early death through heart attack, diabetes, strangulation by FAT the other to Active lifestyle, Longer Life, Sexiville. What a decision to make?!

Tomorrow is April 1st, April Fools Day. I refuse to be an April Fool any more! I will get with Coco this week and get a serious kick booty no deterrence work out and food plan. I have to do a 1 Million Mile Swim, 12 Billion mile bike (I am still on strike!), and a 5 trillion mile run. 

1 mile or a million it all feels the same to me! I feel so much fatter than I did 4 months ago, in fact I think I am... How sad...

I refused to die from STRANGULATION BY FAT!

Fattys of the World UNITE,

Drea

03/31/09

Fatty Watty 2 by 4

Woooo! I can't take it!

I am so saddened by my lack of discipline and better yet the lack of commitment to myself, my life, my future. I am on a terror-filled emotional roller coaster and these loopty-loops got me feeling nervous and I reach for soda, soda and more soda. I can't shake it and my addictions are taking over to ease with my current circumstances.

Fatty Watty 2 by 4
Can't fit through the living room door
So she did it on the floor
Fatty Watty 2 by 4

That is where I am on my way too! I am incapable of having self control, self awareness and it appears that I am incapable of exhibiting self-love! I am killing myself and I am taking years off my life with all this extra flubber I am carrying. My knees hurt so bad I hate to stand up sometimes and I am still in my twenties. I don't think that I can bear the thirties, forties or fifties even if I make it that far without keeling over from a heart attack!

I work best under consistency. I know what to expect and you know what to expect, when that does not happen I get emotional and I eat! Surprisingly, I don't think that it is stress. I don't feel any pressure from my school time and work time. I look in the mirror everyday and I see my tire around the middle growing from size 18 to size 22 and those are some big tires! I believe my problem stems from heart break, neglect, and insecurity.

Fatfully Yours,
Drea
03/05/2009

Falling Off and Jumping Back On

OH GOSH! SO, this is my blog and I will not tell a lie.

Hi, everyone. My name is Drea and I am a food addict. I am an emotional eater who looks for hugs and kisses in bags of Cheetos and orgasms in fried chicken, mac 'n' cheese and white cream gravy. I have a serious problem. Below is my true and FULL confession!

This weekend out of pure sad heartedness I bought and ate a whole medium pan-size chicken and mushroom pizza. I did not have the money to afford it nor the pant room to fit it but I ate it all and then cried. Cried from shame, anger, and disappointment. Shame because I thought of how all my hard work had just been flushed down the toilet with that highly over-priced but rather tastey pizza pie. Anger that I still am not strong enough to find another method of dealing with my loneliness and seperation. Finally, disappointment that the pizza made me feel much more lonely than I was before I even bought it.

Times like that I just look at myself and get disgusted. I look at the excess "fluff" I carry and I see every emotional binge I have ever gone on. How I used to sit in my house and eat 4 sandwiches at a time because I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or have friends over. How the little boy I liked decided to like someone else and I would eat a half gallon of ice cream while mentally contemplating how the new chick was better than me. One would think that over 10 years later, maturity would have taken hold of my emotions and lifted me to another level. Apparently not. 

As I sit here and look at how I have yo-yo'd up and down year after year I am tired of being run by food. I am tired of knowing what I should do but having cravings so strong they cloud my judgement, thoughts and eventually I shake from desire. I have a battle raging inside me, my body desires one thing, needs something different and my mind is not strong enough to take control of my own body. I need some kind of therapy i think. 

It aggravates me to no end for people to say you just have to have will power. No one understands how hard will power is to come by. If it were a matter of going to the store, buying a bottle of "WILLPOWER" I'd work 3 jobs to afford it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I have a obsessive compulsive personality and it comes out in everything I do. I have not mastered the ideal of will power in 27 years and realistically I probably will not. 

I am trying not to be discouraged. Some days I have been strong enough to watch and count my calories but ever since saturday and my heart breaking binge I have not been the model TRI-ATHLETE in training I am supposed to be. I have had chocolate, fried chicken sandwiches and danishes.... Let us pray.

God,  Please give me peace and strength. Provide me with the serenity of spirit to control the demons of hunger that possess my soul. Help me to keep my body the temple YOU have designed it be. Guide me in the direction to be a healthier soldier to accomplish the goals I have set out for myself. Protect me from the cravings and temptations that I have been unable to shake and disregard on my own.  Grant my girls the strength and patience to follow their dreams, accomplish their goals, and drag me along. Encourage us all with YOUR love to be better for each other.  In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!

Binge-ful,

Drea

01/21/09

A New Me!

I have been a "heavy" girl my entire life. I have been smaller and I have been much bigger. I have been blessed to meet some wonderful women in 2008 that have motivated me to make a change in a better direction. It all started with cycling on Sundays out at Lake Lavon and then my girls and I have joined a gym. I have been in the gym, taking spin classes, dance class, or killing myself on the elliptical machine at least 5 days a week, for the last two months. I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

I enjoy the change I have made in my life, I like saying “I’m on my way to the gym”. I love spin class even though it kicks my ASS! I am excited to see where I will be in 2 more months. From the first day I joined to gym I weighed in at 294 lbs, 36 lbs shy of my heaviest moment. Mid December I weighed in at 287 lbs. “The Divas” have started a weight loss challenge where Coco will pay the winner $100. Win or lose ( I really want to lose) I want to be a new and better ME!

I am starting this blog in hopes to keep me accountable to whoever may be bored enough to read this as well as myself. My original goal of 20 pounds by the new year didn’t happen. I worked out great but my nutrition was lacking. I am on to something better. I want to loose an additional 15 pounds by February 14, 2009. So to show myself some real love for valentines day I want to take some stress off my heart!

Goals for 2009 are as follows:

March 28, 2009   Butterfly Boogie 5K

April 5, 2009    Space Race  Gulf Greyhound Park, La Marque TX

May 17, 2009     Rock Rotary Sprint TRIATHLON Rockwall TX

June ??, 2009    Danskin Women’s TRIATHLON  Austin TX

October 4, 2009  Benbrook Women’s TRIATHLON  Benbrook TX

October 23- 25, 2009  LiveStrong Challenge  Austin TX

Time is flying by so fast. I have a long way to go to be prepared for all these things. I am not a quitter and once its in print there is no turning back! My hope is to give detailed insight on my training and a personal achievement blog as I tick each accomplishment off.  

Just pray for me. It is so easy to give up, to feel like I’m not accomplishing anything, to get discouraged. So pray that I have strength, drive, faith, patience and my support system has the same.