Hi, everyone. My name is Drea and I am a food addict. I am an emotional eater who looks for hugs and kisses in bags of Cheetos and orgasms in fried chicken, mac 'n' cheese and white cream gravy. I have a serious problem. Below is my true and FULL confession!
This weekend out of pure sad heartedness I bought and ate a whole medium pan-size chicken and mushroom pizza. I did not have the money to afford it nor the pant room to fit it but I ate it all and then cried. Cried from shame, anger, and disappointment. Shame because I thought of how all my hard work had just been flushed down the toilet with that highly over-priced but rather tastey pizza pie. Anger that I still am not strong enough to find another method of dealing with my loneliness and seperation. Finally, disappointment that the pizza made me feel much more lonely than I was before I even bought it.
Times like that I just look at myself and get disgusted. I look at the excess "fluff" I carry and I see every emotional binge I have ever gone on. How I used to sit in my house and eat 4 sandwiches at a time because I wasn't allowed to go out with friends or have friends over. How the little boy I liked decided to like someone else and I would eat a half gallon of ice cream while mentally contemplating how the new chick was better than me. One would think that over 10 years later, maturity would have taken hold of my emotions and lifted me to another level. Apparently not.
As I sit here and look at how I have yo-yo'd up and down year after year I am tired of being run by food. I am tired of knowing what I should do but having cravings so strong they cloud my judgement, thoughts and eventually I shake from desire. I have a battle raging inside me, my body desires one thing, needs something different and my mind is not strong enough to take control of my own body. I need some kind of therapy i think.
It aggravates me to no end for people to say you just have to have will power. No one understands how hard will power is to come by. If it were a matter of going to the store, buying a bottle of "WILLPOWER" I'd work 3 jobs to afford it. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I have a obsessive compulsive personality and it comes out in everything I do. I have not mastered the ideal of will power in 27 years and realistically I probably will not.
I am trying not to be discouraged. Some days I have been strong enough to watch and count my calories but ever since saturday and my heart breaking binge I have not been the model TRI-ATHLETE in training I am supposed to be. I have had chocolate, fried chicken sandwiches and danishes.... Let us pray.
God, Please give me peace and strength. Provide me with the serenity of spirit to control the demons of hunger that possess my soul. Help me to keep my body the temple YOU have designed it be. Guide me in the direction to be a healthier soldier to accomplish the goals I have set out for myself. Protect me from the cravings and temptations that I have been unable to shake and disregard on my own. Grant my girls the strength and patience to follow their dreams, accomplish their goals, and drag me along. Encourage us all with YOUR love to be better for each other. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!
Binge-ful,
Drea
01/21/09
